Tearful outbursts: 4 or 5
Running related tearful outbursts: 1
So that’s the end of week 4 of marathon training, and for the first time I didn’t complete all 4 scheduled runs. As those that follow me on Instagram or Facebook will have seen I have struggled quite a bit this week with my anxiety. When I woke up last Tuesday morning it was like something heavy but restless had settled on my shoulders and something flighty, breathless and skittish had taken up residence in my chest. I couldn’t shake the dreadful anxiety that I was somehow completely unacceptable as a human being. The brain weasels took the biscuits I ate and enjoyed the night before and turned them into something shameful. They took the fun pictures of me running on Sunday and turned them into a horror-show of flabby thighs and cellulite. They took my long to-do list at work and turned it into a list of failures. They took everyday interactions with colleagues and made them feel dangerous.
These kinds of feelings are no fun at all, but they’re not as scary as they once were. I know that sometimes they come, with little warning, but more importantly I know that always they go.
In terms of running, I was damn proud of my Wednesday night (nearly) 6 miler. It was cold, dark, the air was full of dampness and mizzle, and I was tired after a day or normal work plus the extra drain of all that anxiety. But I did it, and I didn’t hate it, and I had pizza afterwards!
I ended up skipping my Friday easy run because I’d had a niggly little pain in my right shin for a while and it seemed to be linked to tightness in my calf that came on during Wednesday’s run. I was hoping that a rest would help it to feel better, but weirdly it actually got worse the longer I didn’t run on it. So on Sunday out we went, Coach Matt and I, for 90 minutes in the park. It felt incredible. My legs felt strong and my pace was pleasingly steady. Matt commented that my stride looked stronger and that I was picking my feet up much better than last week. I am definitely getting stronger, and my positivity about the marathon has returned. I can totally do this!
Next week, week 5, is a low-mileage week, in theory so that my body can adjust before some speedwork gets added in in week 6! Exciting times.
I’m running the 2017 London Marathon for Mind, the mental health charity.
If you’d like to sponsor me please go to my fundraising page here!